


Some Truths Are Better Left Untold

by nonbinarysiriusblack



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Series, Unrequited Love, young! Jalec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6687106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinarysiriusblack/pseuds/nonbinarysiriusblack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec didn't know, at first.</p>
<p>Or, Alec realizes his feelings for Jace</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Truths Are Better Left Untold

**Author's Note:**

> I've never read the books, so this might deviate from canon a bit, in terms of timeline, sorry!

Alec didn’t know, at first. 

He didn’t really remember what life had been like before Jace had come to live with them. It wasn’t that he was that young before Jace had come to live with them, it was just that the experience of knowing Jace eclipsed everything he had felt before then.  
He didn’t know.  
Jace had put on a brave face even then. Alec had known his parents had died, but he didn’t know if Jace did; he didn’t act like it. He didn’t see him react until a week later. Alec came back from his classes early and Jace was already in their room. He was curled into himself on the bed, sobs wracking his body.  
Alec had never seen such raw emotion. He was drawn to it, to Jace. All he could do was let himself be there as Jace wrapped himself around Alec and cried. He felt a protectiveness in that moment, he felt like it was his responsibility to make sure Jace never felt like this again.  
More and more, he found himself complementing Jace. If Jace was a power surge, blowing up and fizzling out in a moment, Alec was a slow burn, never faltering. As Jace opened up, found his voice, Alec kept himself closed, contained. It was all about balance.  
Alec didn’t know, At first.  
He did the same thing with Izzy, to an extent. He made up for her weaknesses, tried to balance out her energy, but it took a more conscious effort with her. With Jace, it was automatic. Jace came into the room, and the gravity shifted, he was the center of the universe, and Alec was just caught up in his orbit.

He realized when he was 14.

It started when Jace liked a girl in one of their classes. He went on and on about her hair, or her eyes, or-whatever, it didn’t matter, Alec was bored. He threw a pillow at Jace, “Ugh, just shut up already!”  
Jace just smirked at him, “you’re just jealous because you’ve never been in love”  
Alec groaned, “You’re not in love, Jace. You’re 14.”  
Alec thought that would be the end of it. Later that week he saw Jace kissing the girl, Lydia, behind the gym. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. He still thought kissing girls sounded gross. He still thought Jace kissing girls sounded gross.  
But.  
He didn’t really care, it was none of his business what Jace did with girls.  
Later on he was sparring with Hodge, and something inside him snapped, he spun around and knocked Hodge on the ground, something he’d never been able to do before. He thew the sparring rod roughly to the side, breathing heavily. “Alec, is something wrong?” asked Hodge.  
“No, nothing,” he paused, “I don’t know” he felt the anger bubbling up inside him, pulsing through him. He breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to calm down, “Emotions. Are nothing but a distraction” he repeated to himself. He held onto that thought, trying to shut down the feeling. He wouldn’t-he couldn’t let it control him.

That night, he dreamt about Jace.  
He was sitting on the stairs in the institute when Jace came up to him. “I know” was all he said,  
“Know what?” Alec was shaken.  
Jace kissed him, held Alec’s head between his hands and kissed him on the mouth, Alec was breathless. After a moment, Jace pulled back, “I know, I know”  
Alec saw himself reach up and start to unbutton Jace’s shirt, his hands were shaking. He put his hands on Jace’s chest. They were both breathing heavily.  
“Jace-“ he said, but Jace couldn’t hear him.  
He just muttered, “I know, I know, I know”, starting to shake his head, slowly, then more violently. He started to back away from Alec, with his hands up, like he was surrendering. He looked at Alec with disgust, “How could you?”

Alec woke with a start, covered in sweat and breathing heavily. He sat up and brought his knees to his chest, trying to slow his breathing. In the dream-in the dream Jace had kissed him, but it felt like Alec had been the one who had done something wrong. Jace had been disgusted with him. He had been-he was- disgusting. He felt a lump rising in his throat, he tried to swallow but just ended up making a low, choked sound. It must’ve woken Jace up, because he came over to Alec’s bed. He put his hand on Alec’s shoulder, but Alec flinched away violently.  
“Alec”, he said in a low voice, “You okay? Bad dream?” Alec nodded, “Do you want me to sleep here tonight?”  
It was something they had done as kids. Sometimes, Alec would wake up and hear Jace whimpering in his sleep, and he’d slip into his bed, curling around Jace like it was where he was meant to be, and Jace would sleep peacefully for the rest of the night. It wasn’t a big deal. At least, it didn’t used to be.  
Alec was hit with a wave of guilt so strong he felt nauseous. “No, no,” he stuttered, he tried to move farther away from Jace but he just hit the backboard of the bed, “I’m just-I’ll be fine,” he spit out, before making a beeline for the bathroom, anything to put space between him and Jace.  
He sat down on the cold tile and looked at his hands, his shaking hands, the same hands he’d imagined touching Jace, Jace touching him, kissing him. How Jace would ever look at him if he found out. How-how he couldn’t live with that.  
After a few minutes he padded back to his bed, Jace lay in his own, back turned toward Alec, probably already asleep. Alec closed his eyes tightly, Jace could never know.

Years later, he dreamt about Jace again. Jace said, “I know, I know, I know,” softer this time. He waited until Alec met his gaze, “I know. It’s okay.” Alec breathed freely for the first time in years.  
He knew.


End file.
